Confusion

Young N** wanna fly OT, cruising on the M-way with the old G’s all I ever wanted was a Roley… all I ever wanted was a Roley 🙂 BANGER!! Ot- Sneakbo Brixton (check this album out by the way its amazing)

Good Marning, Good Evening and Good Night,

What’s good people, its been more than a min since I been here whether thats a good thing or bad I dunno yet. As you know music keeps me going so had to start this one off with some lyrics LOOOL

In all honesty since I don’t have to go Bristol anymore for Moo, I haven’t find the time to write. That was literally he only place I didn’t drive too and blogging at home rarely worked for me. Okay, I’m doing it now on the Mac but only because like a dickhead I’ve got a huge crack in my screen which makes it an arse to type anything of length on.

So much to say so little words I’m not one to hash over old shit on here but maybe I need to go back a bit in order to help me move forward. 1000 and 1 things have happened in 2016 & 2017 was an interesting couple years LOL Married, divorced, survived. Married contemplating divorce and how I’ll survive.

As free as I feel here there are still so many things I’m either not ready too or don’t know how to talk about but I’m gonna try a ting anyway. Recently I feel like I’m getting stupid, it’s harder to read like… I’m actually struggling to read especially out loud. I think its because I don’t have to use my brain much anymore so it is turning to moosh.

Not that I’ve ever been much of an intellectual but you know what I mean.

I drive everywhere so don’t read in the mornings anymore, work with very non-ambitious simple minded locals who are just grateful to have a job and probs couldn’t do much better so I’m not challenged there, chill with D and baby so minimal stimulation there, then I come home veg in front of the TV watching repeats and box sets with my herbs till I fall asleep.

Seeeeee now when I write it down doesn’t sound so bad looool not to me anyway.

For the most part my life is pretty chill have family & friends who love and care about me, a decent job making good money, a nice home and car plus a boyfriend who would do anything to make me happy 🙂 what’s my problem right? Truth is I don’t actually know.

I’m just sad and need to talk.

Speaking of which spoke to King today (or yesterday or last week depending when I post this) forgot how much he means to me and genuinely understands me without me needing to say anything. Fool had me in my feelings all day loool. Only person in the world who can get me to admit how I really feel about stuff and for that I’ll always be grateful but I beyond hate it at the same time.

I decided this year I’d join Black’s wave of team selfish. I want to do more for me and develop and grow into a better person.

I’m not gonna sit here and front like I’m Mum Teri or anything I’m hella selfish at times but I’ve found that some of my darkest and most troubling times of recent years have come from putting other peoples needs before my own to my own detriment.

I did and still do carry a lot of guilt regarding what happened with King and honestly didn’t know how to deal with it all. I met the wrong person at the worst time (HIM) and followed him to quite a dark place. I wasn’t dealing with my depression or break up and was very much abusing substances and calling it coping. Being blind drunk at 11am on a Tuesday is NOT coping!! I also started lying a lot, not big lies but lots of little ones or exaggerate the truth for no reason or gain. My drinking wasn’t/isn’t a total secret but I definitely hid/hide the extent of it as it was/is mostly at night Pinot became my best friend with Vodka as my wingman. Shit that was hard to write. *deep breaths*

Okay, cool. So yeah I needed help and thought he was the solution. When I finally let go of the anger I had towards King I found there wasn’t much of me left. I didn’t even realise I had spent so many years holding things in and using bravado and anger to hide it, that when it came to just being me I didn’t really know how to go on. My business failed, lost 2 jobs then he came home. Amidst all that Moo came along 🙂 my one and only joy even that resulted in heartbreak-ish.

We have known each other from secondary school, spent a year ‘talking’ and reconnecting, got together, got hella intense very quickly shit happened (not going there!) moved house then he was gone didn’t see him for nearly 7 months (read my other post’s if you wanna know about all that). Absolutely crushed, I felt things were finally going well and looking up then I was alone again and struggling to cope once again.

Only saving grace by then was my job and awareness of my drinking. I dove wholeheartedly into work and sadly smoking, went from social/chill to necessity. Not good, but at least I wasn’t drunk looooooool

I think HIM coming home changed me more than anything else. The love we have for each other is weird I understand it more now then I did then which is why I’m keeping my distance from him. I say whenever I speak about him with D that he caused me to lose my mind a little and thats not a complete lie, but I was pretty broken before that so I can’t say he took advantage. I think it was more that I was susceptible to him and blindly followed even when I didn’t want too or knew that it wasn’t quite right. Funnily enough him and I were cool till he found out about Moo, after that he changed. At the time I didn’t know why but I’ve worked it out. The problem with Ro is that he needs to be the centre of your world and if he isn’t its a problem. Everything is his way or no way and when Moo came he gave me a strength that I thought I had lost. For the first time in ages I was able to say NO and meant my no, in the end had to ask him to leave couldn’t have him in the home anymore I wanted to get better and having him around wasn’t helping to that.

As I said I dove into work and made it my everything. Wasn’t ready to face personal demons properly yet as things were looking better so wasn’t tryna go there.

Started losing a lot of weight too not initially by choice. After Moo was gone, I could just about eat and if I did it often came up, stress was building and I just added another day at work so I wouldn’t have to deal. I don’t let my personal life come to work with me so as long as I was there I didn’t have to deal with me, then work turn’t to shit so I had to deal.

I didn’t have another outlet, hated being at home. Stuck on the other side of London where the only peopleI know live in my house, felt unwelcome in said house and not a soul to talk to. Friends don’t come visit as apparently I live too far ( though it’s close enough for me to come to them hmmm) Moo had court shit so had a lot of his own to deal with and I didn’t want to burden him, not that I think I would have been; but unless you are familiar with depression or know what I’ve been through to get here it can be hard to help someone. I wasn’t ready to talk that deeply with anyone so started talking to myself, spend most of my free time alone anyway not sure how it’s going yet but I’m not going backwards which is good.

Come to terms with being sad and not knowing why, don’t view it so negatively anymore. Accepted that yes I’m sensitive but no it isn’t a weakness just need to learn to express myself better. I work to extremes at times loooool and my 0-100 is still in full effect, if I’m angry I’m irate and if I’m happy I’m elated it’s mad but it’s me.

In trying to ‘find myself’ for lack of better words I feel like I’ve lost some of my fire. No longer as body confident which some don’t understand as apparently I look better now (Lost 7st/45kg/98lbs) but I’m not sure. I definitely felt sexier before but I don’t know if that’s because I was the loudest everywhere so got a lot of attention or just because I’d always been fat so knew how to dress it to my advantage and i have a pretty face so men were never an issue (not that they are now or that I’m looking/entertaining or anything I’m happily miserable with bae where I’m at LOL!) generally I’m just not as sure of myself as I used to be and it must definitely show. Again, not something I view as negatively now I don’t want to be that person again I was a cunt.

A couple people have told me recently to not be so hard on myself but I feel I have to be. I know better, I’m trying to be better and do better so its hard to let shit slide. I spent soooooo long acting like I didn’t care and nothing bothered me when it did. Someone I’ve known for years even said to me that I’m cold hearted. They weren’t being mean or anything was in context but it stuck with me and really bothered me as it was the first time and I’m actually not. That comment as fleeting as was confirmed in my mind that a change was needed so here we are trying to change and show people who I really am.

Think this is a good place to end said more than I planned too but feel better.

Till my next outburst

x