Diary of a Prison Wife

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted here, which I suppose is a good thing. I’ve noticed I only really come here to vent, I guess in a way that’s why it’s here.

Decided to touch on a particularly private part of my life, not really something that I share with many. Well not what I’m gonna put here anyway. 

Normally I’d talk to D but she has a man now and you know how that goes, slowly everyone else gets pushed away and forgotten about. The bubble as it may adfectionaly be called so I don’t feel I can properly talk to her right now. 

Either way I’m back 😊

Currently on the most painful flight back from Amsterdam. Delayed by an hour and abit then stuck on the plane cos some silly tosser missed his flight and gotta unload their bag. Been a great trip tho met Anthony out there, chilled, smoked, ate and walked around getting lost. Fun, fun, fun. 

Back to the title at hand so I’m a prison wife these days but it’s different this time Moo ( nickname) is gone for 4 years!!! Would love to say it’s not his fault but let’s be real he is a drug dealer jail is kinda part of the package right? 

How did I end up here u might ask? Well fuck knows LOL This year was supposed to be better than the last and I’m 6 months deep into supporting a fool in a cell and just to make it worse ain’t like man is local 😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 

BRISTOL! 

My babes is in Bristol doing his thing. 

No you don’t get used to it. No it doesn’t get easier with time and No family and friends don’t understand. Or realise how little things means so much to you or little comments really upset you. Simple things are taken for granted and your not even allowed to get mad or complain at how inconsiderate your best friend can be because they never mean it, didn’t know, you shouldn’t be so sensitive or as they say it’s not a big deal. 

To you, no it isn’t and I’m glad your happy but remember some of us have a little way to go so watchin you sit on the phone 24/7 is not only a little bit of an arseholey move but not seeing the problem is just as annoying. 

Thankfully my babes has a smart phone so I can essentially talk to him whenever I want but sometimes u get busy and wen he’s free your working or other way around so it doesnt always work. 

Not only that but maintaining a connection with someone so far is difficult too especially when you haven’t been able to see them. We have done the 6 months without a visit so until recently the last image I had of him was leaving my bed at silly o’clock on 5th January 2017 saying I’ll be back in abit babes won’t be long. 

Sad times right? I miss that man everyday and I’m starting to think it’s getting worse but then again it may jus be work and not being able to make the kind of time that I used too to talk and stuff or maybe jail life is jus getting to me now….

Feel like even thought I have chosen to wait for him, how do I know that it is actually the right choice. He doesn’t really have much unless he plans to start playin in booty mans kinda gotta wait for me but I don’t. It’s hard thought because I tried not too even went on a couple dates but when no one else takes ur interest or really does anything more for u than pass the time what do you do? 

How am I supposed to make such a life decision when I struggle to pick my own lunch. It’s even harder when you are consumed by constant loneliness and not a friend u trust enough with the time to give a fuck. 

Decisions, decisions I guess. Cant even holla the babes on this one 

The stopgap

Method to my madness I promise. I started writing another post but wanted to mention something else while I’m here real quick ( think I should seriously get back into blogging actually) now I’ve done that little ramble I’m not even 100 on what I wanna say yet. Oh Yeah!!! 

Changes. That was the original title. If you have read any of my last posts I’m sure you can work out that I’ve been through a lot of changes the past year and whatever but never a change like this. 

Maybe it’s me maybe I’m wrong or do things differently but I dunno I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it.

Okay, so people change which is cool but should that mean your relationships with other people should change too? Okay, so in my last post (or future depends when I finish it) I mentioned D and that she has a boyfriend now. Am I the only person who doesn’t thing that it shouldn’t change our friendship? Obvs adjustments need to be made which is normal we can’t spend everyday together anymore and neither should we, but in the same breath should still be able to talk to each other right? 

Yeah? I don’t feel like. All of a sudden it’s like she’s jus cool now and whereas before we supported each other through our depression I feel like I’ve lost that. 

I’ll always have Moo and can talk to him about pretty much anything but outside of this outlet and D I don’t feel comfortable saying something’s to other people and I don’t kno how best to explain that. 

Last time I tried to do that it didn’t come out well and I’m scared to approach it again. 

I don’t like being called crazy or not being able to articulate myself due to emotion. I think that’s why I mostly keep things in. 

Fear of ridicule. 
May just be time for new friends…..

Starting to see the light…

I wrote that title in December when I didn’t know better and thought things were better. Now I’m sitting here in February thinking if only you knew how much worse it was gonna get. 

I’ve noticed a little pattern that I’m quite proud of, obvs we all know I have depression (which I’m no longer self medicating btw 😬)

 I’ve started to be able to recognise when a bad day is coming and I’ll make sure I’m not alone. Thankfully yesterday and today are the only bad days that I’ve had for a few months, but I think that’s more because so much has happened that now is the first time I’ve been able to breath.

It’s odd I’ve got so much to say yet no words come to me. I wanna be left alone but the thought of it is entirely too much.

 I won’t go into the stressful time that I’ve been having instead I’m just tryna be grateful that I’m still here as there are so many who didn’t make it. 

Curious….actually scratch that. ANNOYED!

Sorry guys it’s ranting time, someone just come upset my spirit now I gotta come tell you about it

Do you ever just wonder why people are the way they are.

 Why they become so defensive even when you actually took the time to listen to what they said and changed your own behaviour. 

I don’t understand and I’m not sure I actually care too either. 

Don’t ask for help then complain when the person you asked is trying to help you. Makes no friggin sense. 

Then after they done piss u off and you neither wanna help or talk them they try be friends. Ummmm no how about you just leave me to do me now after you done upset my mood. 

Nothing annoys me more than people who cannot admit fault. If I’ve made an incorrect assumption I try to just apologise and keep it moving. Okay… it may not be an “I’m sorry” as such but I can at least say my bad or something. 

Don’t just try move on and beg friendship. No your not forgiven, I still don’t wanna talk to you and if I’m in your house I want to go home. Fuck you I drive for a reason. 
Ahhh rant over 😁

Dark days and light days

Ahhhh I’ve missed it here. 

Been having a couple bad days recently, hard to get out of bed not really motivated to do anything especially as I’m proper broke at the moment. 

I just feel like everything seems to be going wrong right now and I’m working so hard to get in a good place. 

Struggling to see through the mist and really wondering if there is actually light at the end of this tunnel. 

Sad times 

My epic weekender… 

Oh shit I thought I posted this 2 weeks ago LOOOOL! Anyway enjoy…

Morning all I know it’s been a min but I’m back after my crazy birthday weekend. 

It’s official I’m old! First in the batch to turn 25. It sounds off but I honestly never saw this part of my life. 

When I was younger it just never occurred to me that one day I would be a fully fledged grown up. I got bills and rent and shit, this I not fun but hey ho. 

Just pullin into London Bridge now as usual my train is delayed but I’ll still be on time I think.

Okay so let me tell you about my birthday plans. Decided rather than going out would be fun to have a house party. Couple friends good food plenty of drinks sleep where you fall were all good. 

Then a family thing at mums, been one of the best birthdays so nice seeing family again. 

My aunt commented how shocked she was to receive an invite I kinda looked at her an then realised the last birthday where I had family was my 21st and even then it was only immediates loool 

Anyway let’s leave that here gotta rush off to work.

X